HOW TO RECOGNIZE ABUSER

Abusive men are not as big a problem in the US as in the former Soviet countries, but the international marriage business does give some opportunity for this type of abuse to exist. While most of American and European females are able to protect themselves from the abusive behavior, Russian women who were unlucky getting into relationship with this category of men, feel completely unprotected and unprepared facing abuse from their foreign spouses. Steve Huff , frequent participant of RWA forum, advice women and, especially those, involved in the International relationships, be prepared to recognize the common traits of abusive men.

An abusive man:

Has a tendency to create a very quick overwhelming relationship. The relationship is on his terms and you may feel as if you are loosing yourself (instead of walking, the woman is being carried at a pace beyond her control).

He seems to always say the right thing. They never seem to miss a step or make a mistake. An abuser does not have a personality. Their responses to women are contrived, and created, through practice. These responses and communications are actually a form of manipulation. The reason for all of this is because they actually do not have a conscience and feel no unease or discomfort about their social situations or their abuse.

They view other people as Opportunities, or in the case of a wife - Property! Does this woman allow me a better chance to imprison her? Will she submit?

They have a desire to Isolate their partner from her family and friends. This is why the foreign marriage opportunity is ideal for them. Language barriers and visa issues can even make them feel confident about their chance to isolate their wife from any support of family, friends, and a familiar legal system.

He will try to control everything, time, money, where his wife works or not, who she talks to, who her friends are.

He will have one of two tendencies. First, to put himself in the middle of attention. If he is at a party, he will tend to position himself in the middle of the attention. They have a tendency to talk louder than normal or reasonable, and bring attention to themselves. Even their physical posturing may be calculated like an actor. Secondly, his type of man can also be rather quiet as well. Not showing very much of himself, even being a little secretive.

He will generally be among the most popular people in his social circle of people.

He is never wrong. It is always someone else’s fault. He may also become very angry if a woman contradicts him in public. In this situation, she has made him a fool, and she has shown his friends that he can not control HIS woman.

They constantly pursue ego boosts. Arrogance.
They loose their temper easily, and eventually have unreasonable episodes of rage. Everything is the woman's fault. If she burns the bread, then she made him hit her.

He will have a tendency to constantly explore his partner's sexual and dating history. They will constantly treat her as if she is hiding something.

He never trusts a woman, because he can not be trusted. Abusers are absolutely almost always unfaithful, and yet accuse their wife of this behavior. They will create stories of marital infidelity, or near infidelity, in their mind and force their partner to agree with their fiction.

An abuser often is a mirror to his father's behavior. If his father is an abuser of his mother, he will almost certainly be also. Watch for very small signs in their home that would tell you this. Words, jesters, or behavior patterns.

The abuse takes a specific pattern with a variable time frame. The abuse escalates gradually until it explodes in violence or extreme verbal abuse. Then a phase called “kisses and roses” follows where the man says he is sorry. The woman almost always wants to believe this is true. Generally about two weeks later the cycle is repeated. Over years of time this cycle can become shorter and always more violent. The more times a woman returns to an abusive man, the greater the chance for her death. Statistics tells that there are 400% greater number of women killed by their husbands in Russia and Ukraine, than in the US and Canada.

Steve Huff, specially for RWA.