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MEETING IN PERSON. WHAT CAN GO WRONG?
“I am in 2 months time, hopefully going to meet my Russian woman for the first time. On this and other messages boards it is common that men tells about that they writing was great, but when they meet in person they don't match. Would anybody care to expand, what went wrong. How was she different from the writing.”
(From our discussion at the General Forum)
This is a very good question: to think about your future date beforehand seems very smart and practical to me. There is a saying in Russia: “If I knew where I would fall, I would have put a pillow”.
Of course, we all have different situations: some corresponded with their foreign pen-pals for more than a year, some - for just a couple of months, or even days (a good friend of mine met her future husband on a plane. They got married in 4 days, and have been happily married for more than 4 years now!)
Generally, it’s always better to spend more time getting to know each other - especially, if you met on-line. It’s better, but it still does not guarantee that you will connect that well in real life. Even if hundreds of emails have convinced you that you have found your “one and only”, I believe that only meeting her (or him) in person will seal (or may be shatter) this conviction.
I noticed that above-quoted question received many encouraging responses at our forum. I would like to contribute to this positivism. Many people have experienced this “sparkle” feeling, which happens sometimes when you meet someone.
Yes, it is a wonderful feeling, and it is a confirmation that there is “chemistry” between the two of you. But still, this feeling happens more often than the number of “long-term relationships” in your life. Sometimes, it does not even lead you anywhere. Personally, I have experienced this “sparkle” a number of times, but have married only one man!
So, don’t get frustrated if you did not get this feeling right away; take your time, and you may discover something more profound and important in your relationship with this particular person. On the other hand, time may prove that the two of you are incompatible.
So, is it possible that something “may go wrong”?
Of course, it is. I have heard, and even witnessed, this numerous times. It can happen from both sides. Firstly, you may have a feeling that your Russian friend is very different from the image she created in her letters. She may look different (older, uglier, you name it!). She may speak English very poorly, or not speak it at all. I had a friend who corresponded with one girl for a while, and even talked to her on the phone. When he came to visit her, he realized that she did not speak English at all! Her friend wrote emails for her, and even talked on the phone!
Also, her behavior may worry and even repulse you. One guy wrote me the following:
"...I went to visit her, we liked each other, then I came there again. Everything was great except she got really drunk and missed our meeting the next day because she was sick from drinking. So I dropped her.
I missed her and we saw each other again... She drank too much again and also she asked me to buy her a mink coat, I did buy it for her but then when I got home I decided to drop her again..."
On the other hand, it can happen that you will find your Russian friend as wonderful as you imagined her, but she won’t feel the same. If she is a sincere and straightforward person, she may tell you. In most cases though, a Russian woman would prefer NOT TO LET YOU KNOW about her true feelings. She may do so for two reasons: 1) She may be a nice girl, and would not feel like hurting you, or 2) She may simply have spent too much time corresponding with you, and put too many hopes on this exciting change in her life to refuse it, only because she did not like you in person (this is a common reason why so many Russian women feel frustrated and disappointed after the marriage takes place). 3)There is always a simple desire to leave Russia, with you or anyone else (these marriages usually don’t last long either).
Here are some signs, which can enlighten you that she is not attracted to you:
She looks very frustrated when she first sees you. She does not smile;
Even after you spend some time together, she still does not want to hold hands. When you try to touch her, it looks as though it irritates her... Here I should say that it is wrong to think that Russian women don't like "holding hands". They do, but only if they like you. I remember my close friend told me about one of the foreigners who visited her. She said, "you know, when he tries to touch my hand, I feel repulsed..." In another situation, when she liked a guy, she would love "holding hands"!
Here are some other Red flags:
During your stay, your Russian friend will prefer to spend all of your evenings in night-clubs or restaurants, instead of spending “quality time” together with you getting to know each other (don’t confuse this with her attempting to be hospitable and showing you the town);
Will try to make you buy as much stuff for her as possible, will complain and show her dissatisfaction in case you don’t get her something she wants;
Will show a change in her mood very often (ex. Will be happy and excited when you are in public, but sullen and silent when you are alone);
Will act like she is very busy and could devote only a short time to you, in particular meeting you at restaurants or bars only;
Will be reluctant to discuss your future together, and make serious plans;
Will have sex with you on the first date, but won’t kiss you on the lips or will accept sex passively (remember “Pretty woman”? )
Also, I wish to assure you that if your Russian friend will be willing to have sex with you on the first date, it does not prove anything. She may really like you, or she may just believe that it is the only way to get abroad.
One more point: on our Women’s forum we discussed if any of our women were really “in love” when they agreed to marry their husbands, 95% admitted that they were not in love. Some said that they developed love and respect throughout their life with their spouses. Those, few who replied that they did fall in love before the marriage, were met with distrust and disbelief. Many said that it is impossible to fall in love with a stranger whom you met on-line. Surely, many (if not all) of these women assured their future husbands that they were “in love” before the marriage. This is something to think about!
There is a lot to consider in developing any relationship. Of course, it’s nice to be very positive and open to the possibilities, but in order to avoid great disappointment afterwards, I would advice you to use your judgment, insight and maturity when arriving at this crucial step in your relationships.
If you have serious questions about your relationship with your Russian friend, if you find something about her puzzling, if you need some in depth insight, visit my rubric "Ask Natasha" and become a member of my club:
http://russianwomenabroad.com/asknatasha.html
Sincerely,
Natasha
Russian Women Abroad