“Hi Natasha,
I just received your views on Russian Women from Angelika introductions. They still send me stuff because one time I actually thought about meeting a Russian lady. I know some Russian ladies here in England, and some of my friends are married to them. Oh dear.
I think there is a problem with Russian women. Somehow I feel they forgot there is not a great shortage of women in this world. Also I think many of them think they are more beautiful than they actually are. Anyway, what is beautiful? One of my sisters was beautiful, but it did not make her a very nice person. I do have a serious question for you. Why do Russian women have so much ' attitude ' , and why are the so interested in material things. Many English ladies I know think that Russian ladies are very unfair to their English husbands. Considering the problems they have in Russia you would think they would be prepared to settle for something reasonable, as do many SENSIBLE people in the west. I think many of these women will never find happiness. They cannot be happy in Russia and they cannot be happy in the west as they constantly seek the alpha male, and they are in VERY short supply.
Thanks for your time, don't know why I wrote this, but there we are. I would be interested to know what you think of my thoughts.
Yours,
Chris W”
Hello Chris,
Thank you for your email and, especially, for letting me know that my articles have been used by dating sites without my permission! I, personally, find it unacceptable and see it as another confirmation of unscrupulousness of the marriage agencies. Working on my project http://russianwomenabroad.com for more than five years, I have been continuously trying to caution people against some of these agencies. Recently, I accepted an offer of the DC-based Urban Institute to become their consultant in the research study of the “international marriage broker industry” involving Russian women.
If you read my articles, published under the rubric “Ask Natasha”, you have probably noticed that, unlike numerous dating websites and marriage agencies, I always try to stay unbiased when commenting or giving advice to those who apply to me with their questions and concerns. I also constantly caution people involved (or going to become involved) in the International romance: “happy end” for many of these couples, unfortunately, ends with the wedding.
For five years of interaction with the international couples, I have made some observations. I am convinced that success of these relationships depends mainly on level of honesty between involved parties. Here, I am talking not only about the honesty to each other, but also about the Honesty to onerself! Regrettably, most of people looking for their significant others abroad choose to create and maintain an idealized image of the “foreigner”, resisting to approach such relationships with due caution and rationalism, which they would use with their local partners. By doing so, they often hide their true selves and their true intentions. They prefer to picture themselves as a better person (emotionally, physically and/or financially). They try to look and sound romantic in order to be attractive to their foreign friend. Very often, they hide their true intentions and feelings even from themselves, in hopes that they would magically change after the wedding!
Thus, a young Russian woman who, in reality, dreams about an attractive and rich man of her age, a woman, who wishes to go out and spend money on designer clothes and jewelry, in her numerous emails assures her foreign pen-pal, that “she likes older guys, adores cooking and prefers quiet family evenings near the fire place.” This is what, according to the Marriage agencies, foreign men are looking for and what would help her to get a foreign husband. At this moment, the woman does not think about the possible consequences. She does not try to picture what life she will have with a guy twenty years older than she, a guy, who is not that wealthy, and to whom she does not have ANY feelings! Trusting her own dreams and the propaganda of dating agencies, she firmly believes that all her problems will cease as soon as she crosses the border.
From the other end, there is an older gentleman, who works hard, has never been married, or went through a difficult divorce. The guy with long established habits, one who prefers to relax near the TV or work on his little projects in the garage, and who, at the same time, is continuously assuring his Russian bride-to-be that he is an “ energetic, outgoing and adventurous man, who loves to dance and travel...” He wants to be attractive to the young Russian woman, and may even believe that he could change his habits and life stile to conform to his young wife.
When these strangers finally get married, they will gradually discover that the images they created during the correspondence have nothing to do with the reality, and none of them want or can change themselves. The outcome of such marriages is miserable: both spouses feel deceived and misled, their true personalities irritate each other, they blame and reproach one another, and, finally, talk about divorce…
Are all Russian women so deceiving? Of course, not. With a “light hand” of the international marriage industry, the false image of the “Traditional Russian woman” has been created. Being forced to comply with demands of the marriage market, many Russian women often choose to hide their true selves and pretend to be someone else. Most of these women try to convince themselves, that they could eventually change their personality and become this “Traditional Wife”, in exchange for a secure and comfortable life abroad.
The worsening of the economic situation in Russia and introduction of the new market economy had its crucial impact on the young Russian generation, and, especially, on women. For few women (mostly those, resided in big cities) the new economy opened new opportunities. These women rushed into the business world, and many of them soon became financially independent. For the majority of Russian women though, introduction of the “new economy” had appalling consequences. With rising unemployment, without right education, they got even more impoverished and desperate than ever before. Some of these women were single, some had been involved in relationships with alcoholics, jobless and abusive men. Some of the younger and prettier women chose to become mistresses of rich older guys – “New Russians”, some got involved in prostitution, and the vast majority stayed alone with no hope to find a decent husband or improve their financial situation.
The introduction of the Internet in mid 90-s and appearance of the first International marriage agencies has opened a new horizon for many Russian girls. The main driving force for Russian women who decided to look for foreign husbands became a desire to improve their financial situation. This can be applied to both groups of women: Russian “business-ladies” with relatively stable situation from big cities and impoverished, unemployed women from little towns and villages. Women hurried to place their profiles on the Internet dreaming about “knight in shining armor”, who would give them a ticket to better life. The only difference between these groups of women is that a “better life” had different meaning for each of them. Have never being abroad, the majority of these women pictured life in foreign countries as a glamorous non-stop holiday; this image has very little to do with the reality.
Another driving force that drove Russian women to look for husbands abroad was a natural desire for love, romance and family. The problem is that for many of women, this very important issue was still SECONDARY, giving priority to desire to leave Russia and improve their financial situation. Sometimes, this prioritizing happened on unconscious level. Very often women prefered to think about themselves in a more romantic way, leaving their financial intentions hidden not only from their foreign pen pals, but also even from themselves. Frequently, foreign gentlemen corresponding with his future wife for months and years had absolutely no idea about her real views and expectations regarding their future life.
To understand why international romance work for some couples, and turn into complete disaster for others, you should closely follow the steps of decision-making process for both parties.
Although most of the women who join Internet services receive some response, the amount of return letters varies significantly. Some women receive hundreds of emails within several weeks; some would get five-ten letters in a year. The most important part of the decision-making process starts right here. Those, receiving numerous letters, feel confidant enough to make their final choice based on her preferences (physical appearance, personality, financial status, interests of the men). They also can afford to spend more time meeting different guys, traveling to different countries and getting to know their candidates better. Depending on their own economical situation, some either choose to wait long enough, until they find their “one&only”, some rush in the relationship with the one who could firstly, and mainly, satisfy their “number one priority” – to provide them financial security and “better life”. Those receiving few responses have even less choices. They would give their hand to ANY foreigner who would make an offer. Lacking any knowledge about life abroad and with false advertising of dating agencies, 99 percent of Russian women believe that every foreigner is “wealthy”. They picture life abroad glamorous and nonchalant. They do not expect that most of people abroad live “from paycheck to paycheck”, they have no clue about credit cards and mortgages, they oblivious to the fact that for many families both working spouses is a necessity.
Those Russian women, who took their time and, of course, those who had chance to be selective choosing their future husbands, would be able to adjust to live abroad hundred times better, than those who married out of pure desire to leave Russia by any cost.
Depending on the particular situation, the marriage of these women is doomed from the beginning. They constantly complain and reproach their husbands, they make their husbands feel miserable accusing them of “spoiling their life”, etc. Some of these women abandon their husbands, some stay in relationships in hope to get out one day and find someone they would really love. The bottom line is very simple – hiding their true intentions from themselves or/and from their future spouses, these Russian women inevitably feel highly disappointed and betrayed when they realize that they HAVE to live with the complete strangers to whom they have no feeling, but, instead, expirience disrespect and disgust.
Of course, this is just a tiny top of the iceberg. Since the relationships include both spouses, there could be many variations, depending on the behavior and decision-making process of the particular man involved with a woman from Russia.
Like I wrote in my rubric “Ask Natasha”: “Trying to understand why International romance works for some and not for others, I realized that people involved in this endeavor have no guidelines, no source where they can get assistance or respond with their questions. They all act randomly, hoping for the best. Encountering puzzling situations and red flags in the behavior of theirs pen pals, they lack the knowledge, nor do they have the appropriate experience to be able to explain the behaviors and react in healthy manner. Since they don’t have anyone to ask, they often prefer to suppress their own questions and doubts, and ignore Red Flags, because it is so difficult to give up their beautiful dreams, which may or may not be real.”
Dear Chris, I realize, that I may not fully answered all of your questions, but I hope that I gave you some insight on the situation.
You can also read some of the articles published on my website, which would be relevant to this subject:
From Natasha's correspondence
NATASHA'S FAQ
Is she frivolous?
DREAMS AND REALITY. DOES HOPE DIE?
STORY OF THE SIMPLE MAN
Sincerely,
Natasha Butsenina
Russian Women Abroad
If you have serious questions about your relationship with your Russian friend, if you find something about her puzzling, if you need some in depth insight, visit my rubric Ask Natasha and become a member of my club!
