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Filling the Shoes of Another. (The Role of Step-parent.) by Michael Sholar

Remember the first time she called you mother? Or maybe you are still patiently waiting for that time to come. Possibly, you’ve heard something from her that indicates the contrary: “You’re not my mother!! You can’t tell me what to do!” Acrimonious as it may sound, the vindictive little “brat” has made a rather valid point. In today’s society, blended families are steadily becoming the norm. The inevitability of conflict, constantly, skirts the edge of what may otherwise be a normal, healthy family dynamic. What can you do? You know deep down that the love, nurturing, and compassion you’re able to give her may even be more splendid than what she has grown accustomed to by her own biological mother. Your dilemma: though you may be a “step,” you are also a “parent.” Your stepchild has been wrestling with a multitude of issues. Some of which include abandonment and fear of future abandonment, isolation, the lack of caretaker permanence, role diffusion, and trust. Imagine how difficult these issues are for an adult, much less a teenager, school age or preschool youngster.

 Though you have established a bond with your spouse, another needs to be arranged around the other family members. You are an outsider who has come in and assumed a role that had already been claimed. Without placing blame on the original parties to divorce, a child’s ability to add a parent is rather difficult, especially for school-age children. What you expect is for the child to see you as a separate parent. In reality, a child assimilates you into his or her little box called “Mom.” Ah, but that one is filled; not enough room for another. You are an adult, so the child understands a certain amount of respect and obedience is in order. 

Deep down, there is also a degree of hope that this “stranger” desires to convey a sense of love and devotion. You must also remember that all of your spouse’s previous girlfriends, whom the child had been previously introduced, have also disappeared… so why should you be any different? The child’s basic developmental stage of trust vs. mistrust has been shattered (even if years have passed), and you must find a way to rebuild that foundation. Bouncing from one parent to another (every other weekend gives you little time to make progress) exacerbates and prolongs the abandonment issues, and while the father has been doing his best to assume both roles of father and mother, quite often the child resolves to carry some of that burden (i.e. wife/caretaker). Suddenly, you enter the picture and confiscate those responsibilities. The youngster is suddenly forced to regress to the hierarchical position of child – and required to like it.

Somehow, you have to communicate with the child - through all of this. You still need to lay boundaries, insist on spousal support, and stick to those limits. It is necessary to be constant and unwavering, otherwise you send mixed signals that the child has difficulty digesting. You need to offer patience, understanding, and a kind, but firm helping hand. Lastly, try to be a listening board; allow your child easy access to your heart, and assure him or her that he or she will never have to add another parent again - just by “being there.” There is something to be said for object permanence