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This story does not have a happy
ending, though it had many reasons to turn into a story of success. The
experience of the people involved in this relationship may teach many of those
who hurries to Russia in hope to find a beautiful and intelligent Russian wife;
one who will make their life happy and complete. Disappointed in their Western
females, and tired from career oriented material women, they dream about a
simple life with someone who may appreciate traditional values. Most of them do
not realize, that many Russian women who are in the same search of their
One&Only abroad, are well educated ladies very often with decent jobs and
very active lifestyle. The majority of women have big expectations from their
foreign partners and future life abroad.
Those, who did not take time to thoroughly
explore the nature of their life time partners (both: men and women), their life
priorities and aspirations, may face in the future the same disappointment, and
even, humiliation as the one who recently emailed me his story. He gave his kind
permission to share his devastating experience with the guests of Russian Women
Abroad, although his struggle is not over yet.
"Dear Natasha, I have thought
for a few days about responding ot your request simply because we are losing the
battle over compromise. If I can help others, may be that is the purpose for our
struggle.
My Russian wife is from "intelligenzia class" (there were three
social classes in Soviet Russia: working class, peasantry and intelligenzia -
the most sophisticated and educated class, with high culture traditions, etc.)
and I am a simple man with simple needs. She always wants more intellectually,
spiritually, materially and sexually. Today she asked me if I was gay... Our
struggle is continual and we made mistake by marrying without getting to know
each other..."
Tom (the name has been changed to protect his privacy) had been working in Moscow, Russia for almost four years. He came to the Soviet Union in 1992 when Perestroika (the process of changes) had just started in Russia. His future wife was working at the same office. It looked like they were both in a much better position than thousands of those who had been touring Russia without spending more than a week getting to know their Russian dates. Instead of using the opportunity to learn about each other as much as possible, they hurried to get married.
"Our marriage was better in Moscow, because we did not examine each other closely, and we were dedicated to our mutual work..."
Those who traveled to Moscow will agree that this big and fancy city has much to offer. Its busy life style may be a substitute for the lack of common interests and differences in personalities. While in Russia, Russian women usually find foreigners extremely charming. It is also very prestigious to have a romance with an American or European guy. A foreign passport may ensure your success with Russian woman while she is still in Russia. After the marriage takes place and you successfully have moved abroad, your charm as a foreigner automatically loses its power. Now you have to prove that you are as much appealing as you seemed to her back in Russia. Normally, women from Russia are looking for healthy, financially secure, attractive guys. In case your foreign passport was the only, or even the main reason she made her decision to marry you, your family life can be easily ruined.
"Upon arrival in U.S. we encountered many disappointments have not been as successful in work in America, as I was in Russia. She has been disappointed in me staying out of duty, as I do with her. There is no love left, and I see clearly now, there was very little at time of marriage..."
Though, traditionally, a Russian woman is very supportive and compassionate to her husband, very often life abroad influences her personality. While in Russia the majority of women chose to stay with their husbands even if they do not support their families and very often get involved into alcoholism, many of those who married foreigners got disappointed if their husbands could not fulfill their big expectations.
"I feel sorry for my Russian wife... I had nothing to give her. And how can I if she criticizes and threatens to leave me all the time ... Certain, after she daily analizes me as a lost soul, I am full of demons... None is true. I am a simple man. I am ashamed that I could not make a woman happy. I am probably a bit crazy, but within the bonds of sanity, and I only want some happiness and quiet. Thanks for listening. I would gladly help anyone to keep from going through this "kashmar" (nightmare - Rus.) "
FROM OUR
CORRESPONDENCE
FROM NATASHA TO
TOM:
"Hello Tom,
Thank you for sharing your story with me.
Based on the facts,
which you provided to me I believe that you did your best trying to make your
Russian woman happy. No man can ever succeed in anything if he does not have
support from his beloved one. I believe that a real woman is not the one who is
beautiful, sexy or smart. The real woman is the one who let her husband feel
like a MAN. Who supports and helps him to grow and succeed, and not criticizes
everyhting he does.
I feel sorry for you, because I can see from your letter
that you possess a kind and volnerable soul. And you are an honest person. To
console you, I can say that most of divorced women in Russia, especially with
the children, have a few chances to get married again. Not so many Russian men
are ready to sacrifice their freedom and take care for a family.
I don't know
your wife, but I think that any woman has to be at least grateful to the man who
has not only married her, not only took a great care for her children, but who
aslo gave her a chance to start a new life in the country with steady
economy.
Sincerely,
Natasha"
FROM TOM TO NATASHA
"Dear Natasha,
I SURE NEEDED YOUR LETTER...I thought I was totally to blame ,
which had me down. I am not perfect, but you have shown me, that I do have
something to offer a woman. Thank you very much. It is the honorable thing to
do. Your man is very lucky...
Tom."